Today is two weeks since I closed my WOW account. I was drinking… I mean, playing for 3 years. The number 3 is relatively small number. But if you multiply this number by 365 days and then multiply it again by 24 hours, you will realize that I spent a lot of time chasing horde and fighting dragons. I don’t say I wasn’t enjoying it. More than that, I lost my soul to WOW. It was something I lived, quoted and worshipped. I was glad that somehow the spell was broken. I was actually terrified when I realized that I devoted so much of my time trying to fill the bottomless void of MMO.
As you might imagine I still get caught up in the thought of my past. Sometimes I catch myself in a hurry to get home, in order to be there in time for a raid. And then I remember that I don’t play anymore, that don’t have to be anywhere on time – I am free. I am free.
Last night I had a horrible dream. I dreamed that my guild needed a healer for a raid. I felt guilty that I am not there to support them. So, I renewed my account in order to help them. And as I was logging in, I felt not just regret but also sense of loss over slid through my fingers my own life. When I woke up, I realize that it was just a dream; a wave of relief washed over me.
And so I begin to learn living my life again. The memories of the sun on my face, the warm spring wind, sounds of the trees over my porch – they all are coming back. I learn how to enjoy a moment and to love my things again. The things I abandoned, forgot, deceived.
I washed my car today; I washed it for the first time in 3 years. I couldn’t believe that my car still looked like a car and it still drove; that it still was a car. I remembered the tress that grew on the roofs of buildings in Russia if enough dirt accumulated there. I was surprised that nothing grew on top or inside of my car. I had to fill garbage bag tree times in order to throw away old newspaper, receipts, batteries, dog treats and dog leashes, empty water battles, bags with food leftovers, which were budging inside and trying to talk…
And I loved it. For the first time in a long time I loved my car, loved the dirt on my hands and pants, and cold water splashing in my face. I loved it. It was real.